Ice Ice Baby

I got my preliminary FET schedule from my IVF nurse a couple days ago. Looks like we will be thawing out our little ice babies around July 29th or so. I am pretty excited, but still not obsessing like I was previously. Not counting down the days. I think I am more nervous than anything. If once again it doesn’t work I just don’t know how I will cope. Years of trying, surgeries, medicine, DR visits, miscarriage, negative after negative…maybe I am becoming numb. I don’t know. I just want to be freaking pregnant already. I am over the trying part. It is so draining. I am also so f*cking tired of people saying “It will happen when the time is right.” Who determines when the time is right??? Stop saying that. It is super annoying. The time couldn’t be more perfect. Just listen to me vent and don’t say the standard BS lines. I don’t want to hear it.

Anyways, enough of that. One reason I have probably been so distracted is that I am changing my major AGAIN. I honestly don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I was a Medic and EMT in the Army then I got out and stayed in the medical field for quite some time. I then owned a body shop with my ex-husband, I did all of the paperwork from home so I could be with my kids who were young at the time. Once I divorced him I was the office manager for my parents business for a few years. Then one day I decided I wanted be a hair stylist, I went to cosmetology school, even though my husband warned me I would hate it. I graduated, got licensed, worked in a salon for several months and guess what? I hated it. My hubby knows me well. Since moving to Texas a year and a half ago I haven’t worked. Well, thats a lie, when we first moved here I did some insurance leads from home briefly. I hated that too. I quit and decided to go to college. My husband’s idea actually. When I first enrolled my thought was to become a Physical Therapy Asst., I ultimately decided I would probably hate it. My new thought was Web Design, after wasting a semester on those classes I decided I hated that too. Then I thought well maybe I would get into Computer Programming. Technology is huge in Austin. About a month or more ago I thought nursing as well, or something in the medical field. Now I am torn between Computer Programming and RN. My husband thinks computers would be better for me, this way it is more relaxed, I won’t be around that many people (I am a bit of an introvert), and I can eventually work from home so I can be with the kids. My friends and other family think medical would be great for me. I am leaning more towards RN, thinking of getting my Associates as a Surgical Tech first then doing the bridge program to RN. I am just worried about the long hours on my feet, crazy schedule away from my family and the kids, my hubby already works 75 hrs a week, someone has to be home. Plus I would have to remove my monroe piercing and wear long sleeves every day to cover my sleeve (tats), the thought of that annoys the shit out of me. It’s 2014, people need to stop judging people with tattoos already. Bottom line is, my heart says medical. I want to help people, and I really want to work with kids. Computers seem so boring to me. But computers also make the most sense to me considering I am getting ready to start all over with a baby, eventually. I have been there done that and I know how hard it is to have little ones and I do not want a daycare spending more time with my kids than me. I also don’t want to hate my job. I only have a couple of weeks to figure this out before Fall classes start. I am enrolled in medical classes for now, Anatomy and Physiology and Medical Term. Tomorrow I will go to a computer programming info session at school and be able to pick some tech nerds brains and hopefully decide within the next week. Almost 36 yrs old and still no clue what I want to be when I grow up. Thank you God for giving me such a supportive husband. He just tells me to do whatever will make me happy and puts no pressure on me. Sometimes I just feel so stressed, the need to get pregnant, the need to decide on a career, the need to graduate, the need to work, the need to be a good mom to the kids I have, the need to be a good wife, the need to be happy. What I really need is a vacation to somewhere with palm trees and ocean…oh, that used to be what I called home. I need to go back home to Jupiter, at least for a week. I miss home.

Update

Well it has been quite some time since I have posted on here. Had to take a breather. I was obsessed with my fertility, or rather my infertility. Felt good to take a break from it all!

So, what’s been going on with me? Well remember my nasty fibroid, it is gone finally! I had a laparoscopy myomectomy around 4/5 weeks ago. The post-op pain was worse than labor. Holy shit, I really thought I wouldn’t survive it LOL. Dr. Silverberg performed the surgery, thank God. He is AMAZING. I was trying to find a DR in my network so I wouldn’t have to pay out of pocket but I didn’t feel comfortable with just anyone cutting into my uterus. I ended up paying for Dr. S to do it. He gave me a great discount. Still ended up paying a pretty penny, but it was worth it. When he went in to to do the removal he actually found another fibroid and some endometriosis that he got rid of. The original fibroid that prompted surgery ended up being double in size than originally thought and deeply embedded in my uterine wall so the surgery involved more scraping around. The second fibroid he found was a little guy just chilling on the outside of my uterus. I was in soooooo much pain afterwards. Once I got home and the  hard core pain meds from the hospital wore off, I thought I was dying from the pain. I was literally screaming and crying. Thank God for my husband because he was the best nurse ever. I think most of the initial pain was from the gas they put in me during the surgery. It was moving all over my body and made it extremely painful to even move. We called Dr. S and he said it was completely normal and explained that it ended up being a more complicated surgery than originally thought. Around day 3 post-op I was finally a little more comfortable but I was in pain for about two weeks! Thank God that is over!

At my post-op appt. Dr. S checked my incisions, all three of them, yes he cut me open in three different spots, they’re all relatively small though. All three looked great. He then informed me because he took out such a big fibroid, and because it was so deeply embedded he wanted more time for my uterus to heal. We originally were planning for a frozen transfer this month, around this time actually. So I was pretty bummed. He said we had to wait until the end of July. He also ordered me ANOTHER HSG, ugh, hate them, so that he could make sure there was no scarring in my uterus. I had that done last Friday and my uterus looks fabulous, no scarring. So now I wait. That is the hardest part. Luckily I haven’t been obsessing over it. I am not sure why, but I am not as anxious and impatient this time around. Thank God.

I did unfollow some of the blogs I was following. I did this because when I originally started following them they were posting about their infertility and I wanted to compare stories. Some of these women got pregnant, and honestly, I don’t want to read about it. Don’t get me wrong, I am genuinely happy for all of them, but I followed an infertility blog for a reason, not a pregnancy one. I have decided that once I get pregnant I will create a new blog to post all about the pregnancy in. Anyways, I think that has helped a bit too, not to constantly see or read about others being pregnant. I am not bitter, but just not interested. Hopefully that did not come across mean!

Well I am off to enjoy this beautiful Texas day with my daughter. I will update soon! 🙂